Birth Story....Eli

Oh, this birth story is quite the shocking one! Both Eli's conception and his birth were definitely not what we expected.

If you have been keeping up, I was pregnant and miscarried, I was pregnant with combining fertility drugs and and IUI procedure, and had a healthy baby, Sam, and I was pregnant with only using 2 types of fertility drugs and had a healthy baby, Meri Hobbs. So after our experiences, we knew we needed help getting pregnant, so once again, we didn't get back on birth control.

That was our first mistake! One night, right after Meri Hobbs had turned one, I realized I had been feeling weird for a few days.  We were having Bible School that week, and our local pharmacist/BFF was at the church helping with Bible School. I told him and his wife what was going on, and they convinced me I needed to take a pregnancy test. He ran up to his store and got me one...the digital kind that tells you either "pregnant" or "not pregnant". No squinting at lines and trying to determine if there was really something there or not.  So, I went home a few minutes early to take the test. I was shocked when it was positive. I didn't think we were able to get pregnant on our own!

Eddie got home a little bit later and I met him at the door and showed him the test. "Is this a joke?" was his question! Umm, yeah...I got some random pregnant lady to come tee-tee on this stick for me so I could freak you out....of course it's not a joke!!

We got over the shock that we would have two babies nineteen months apart, plus a 4 year old, and we started getting excited! When we found out it was going to be another boy, we got busy turning Sam's room into a room he could share with a brother.

The big brother and big sister

Nothing out of the ordinary with the pregnancy. I had gestational diabetes again, but there wasn't too much to it.

So, we were all set to be induced on January 6th....had to be at the hospital at 5 am to get started. At this time, we lived in the middle of nowhere, so that meant we had to leave our house at 4 am. So I had to get up to shower, etc at 3 am. Fun times.

We get to the hospital and I'm ready to roll at 5. I am being monitored and my Pitocin is flowing. Everyone has told me how fast this will go since this is my third baby. I should have a baby by lunch, no problem! Well, that's not quite how it happened.

When it was finally time to get my epidural, the anesthesiologist came in to do her thing. Let me first say that getting the epidural is not a fun experience. You have to arch your back like a cat and bend so far over that you can't breathe. Hello...I have this basketball in my belly...I can't touch my toes! So they are telling you to bend over...farther, to be very still, and not to move when they jab you with this humongo needle. Not an easy feat, I tell you. So, all 4 times I have gotten an epidural, I have been crazy nervous. Like, crying almost to the point of hyperventilating nervous. The idea of a tube being thread up my spine just weirds me out big time. So, epidurals - I don't like them. But I like the alternative even less, so here I was arching like a cat and crying like a baby.

OK, so she started inserting the needle. Oops, that didn't work. Let me try again. She tried inserting the catheter three different times on two different needle pokes. None of it worked. On the third needle poke, when she drew back her syringe, she drew back blood. That didn't work. I was hysterical and Eddie was about to pass out. Thankfully, the nurse noticed his state and told him to switch places with her so she could hold my hand and he could sit down. Unfortunately, no one offered to switch places with me. Hmph. Then the anesthesiologist tried again, and thinks it's a success. She asked the standard questions about if I felt dizzy or had a ringing in my ears...which I couldn't hear because of the ringing in my ears and I couldn't answer for feeling so dizzy. So, she declared it a loss and said it just wasn't gonna work. She wasn't able to try again. She had reached her limit.

Oh. My. Word. I was terrified. OK, I had changed my mind. I am not ready to have this baby. Take all these tubes out of my arms, I am going home. There was no way I could have this baby without an epidural. But that was exactly what I was about to do. Looking back now, yes, it did hurt, but I think more than the pain was the fear of not knowing what it would be like. I remember I kept telling Eddie that I couldn't do it. This was the absolute scariest moment (well, hours worth of moments) in my entire life. The contractions weren't as bad as I would have imagined. Having the monitor there helped because Eddie could tell me when it was going back down. So I could at least tell myself I was about to get a break.

I asked the nurse if I could at least have a Tylenol. She went out to get a local block but by the time she got back I had started pushing. OK, have you seen those Lifetime movies where the women are screaming like maniacs and you are thinking, "whatever...nobody really acts like that." Umm, I acted like that. I screamed louder and longer than I thought I would have been capable of. It was crazy. I was crazy. (In my defense, I DIDN'T scream "You did this to me" to Eddie. I especially hate that part in the Lifetime movies!) But I had also never felt pain like that. Wow. I'll skip over that part! :) And ps...no epidural also means the clean-up after had no pain relief. That was bad.

And the consolation that it was going to be so much quicker since it was my third? Nope. Didn't happen. It was longer. 19 hours. My other two were 12 and 13. He didn't even come on the same day I was induced. 12:09 am the next day. Little stinker!

After Eli was born, he had some blood issues (something was low? or high? I can't remember), so he was kept in the special needs nursery for close monitoring. He also had jaundice and was under the light. This also was not too big of a deal. He didn't have too many tubes...just an IV, and we were able to go in every three hours and hold and feed him. He was sent home with a biliblanket  and all was well soon.

For all the trouble he was to get here, Eli is such a sweet-natured little boy. I will take 19 hours worth of pain any day for another Eli! I am having so much fun watching him grow and learn. Our verse for Eli is John 1:16, "From the fullness of his grace, we have received one blessing after another." Eli is one of our greatest blessings from our Father!

Sweet big brother!

Eli today

Grief

Grief is an interesting emotion. You can be moving along, feeling well, and BOOM! It comes on you seemingly out of nowhere. This happened to me this week.

I was reading a book in which one of the characters was dealing with infertility and miscarriage. All of a sudden, I got the strongest memory of sitting in a recovery room after my D&C procedure. I could remember sitting there alone. And I remember feeling like I had never been as alone in my entire life. And wondering if I would always be alone. I could remember wrapping my arms as tight as I could around my stomach, as if somehow that could keep my sweet baby inside me, where he belonged. It was just a brief flash of a moment from my past, but oh, how it made my heart ache all over again. Then more memories surrounding that time came to me.

I thought about the weeks and months following the miscarriage. I remember going back to school and having to teach a classroom full of boys and girls and wondering why my child would never be able to go to school. Why did these children get to live and mine didn't? I remember going to two baby showers...oh, those were so hard. At the first one, I had to leave after the first present was opened. I could not stay longer. I could not smile and pass around the precious bibs and onesies and ooh and ahh and congratulate. I excused myself as politely as I could with tears streaming down my face. I did better at the second attempt for a shower. I stayed almost through the whole thing and made it to my car before I burst into tears. I remember putting my head on my steering wheel and sobbing.  I can remember sitting at the little round table in my breakfast room with my Bible open just begging God to show me something....anything that would bring me comfort. I remember laying in my bed crying and never wanting to get up. I remember sitting in the floor of what would have been the baby's nursery and just staring at the crib we had set up.

I remember the well-meaning comments that did not sit well with me. I remember having to smile and nod, saying things I didn't believe. Things like, "Yes, I'm sure it was for the best." "Yes, you're right...we probably were, in fact, trying too hard." "True, we can always try again. I'm sure the next baby will be a perfect replacement for this one." "That's right, I am young. I have many more years to get over this? Be sad about this? Try for another one?" "I probably should have been taking your Aunt Sue's herbal supplement. Thanks for implying this was all my fault." "Wow...I didn't know your cousin's roommate's brother finally had a baby the day after they adopted a child. I should try that...what a great suggestion!" "At least I know I can get pregnant. Who cares I couldn't stay that way...at least I can get there." "Yes, great point...at least now we won't have to deal with those pesky diapers and inconvenient middle of the night feedings. I am so sorry parenthood is so tough for you." "Yes, there probably would have been something wrong with him. Isn't that so great how nature can weed out those undesirable kids? Because there would be absolutely no way I could have loved a less than perfect baby." UGH! That was by far my least favorite comment....implying that I got lucky somehow that my baby died because quite possibly there would have been something wrong with him. {By the way, I didn't say ALL of these comments out loud...some I just screamed in my head.} I remember having to pretend these comments didn't bother me, then wait until later to cry.

Looking back, I wonder why I was so opposed to anyone seeing me cry? Surely people understood I was grieving.  And if they didn't understand, who cares?! It wasn't about them. But I guess I just didn't want to make anyone else feel uncomfortable. Or let anyone know just how crazy it was making me.

And it was making me crazy. I remember crying. A lot. And questioning a lot. Why? I knew God works all things together for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28), but I just couldn't figure out what could be good in this. How could this work for good for anyone? Also questioning myself. What did I do wrong? Did I eat something I shouldn't have? Did God know I would have been a terrible mother and decided to save this sweet baby from me? Is this a punishment for some past sin I had committed? Would I every be able to get pregnant again? Would I ever be able to carry a baby to full term? Will I ever be a mom? Will I ever feel normal again? I could literally, physically feel my heart breaking. I didn't think this raw pain would ever subside.

So, in the middle of reading of this book, this whole flood of memories is swirling in my head. I sat in my living room crying like it had just happened. And I went to bed and told Eddie, crying again.

And then, I felt guilty for not feeling this sad more often. I feel like I am betraying my first child by loving and enjoying my other four children as much as I do. I should think about my first baby more often. I remember thinking I would never go a day without remembering...but I rarely do. I thought that every year on the day I lost the baby and on what should have been my due date that I would remember. Any loving mother would remember that forever, right? I don't. In fact, if I didn't have those dates written down, I would have no clue.

Here is a paragraph from the book I was reading that really struck me: "Gina said she understood exactly what I was going through. And quite probably she did, except that it was all behind her now. I could tell her memories were rose-colored because of the happy ending. You'd think I would have been inspired by her - she was a success story. She'd traveled across the infertility minefield and got safely to the other side. But I found her patronizing. It's easy to think the minefield wasn't that bad once you're safely watching other people get blown up.  She couldn't imagine her children not existing. They were too real, filling up her mind." (What Alice Forgot by Liane Moriarty, p. 188)

I guess this is why I don't feel sad more....I made it through the minefield. And the majority of the time, my memories are rose-colored. And I'm thankful I made it through. But it makes me wonder what well-meaning comments I have made to those who are still in the minefield that have come off as patronizing. I will for sure try to watch what I say more carefully. I know one thing that I prayed through my battle was that God wouldn't let it happen without a purpose. I wanted Him to use it, and I have been able to talk to a lot of women who are having infertility issues. But I need to make sure I am listening and being compassionate more than I am advising and directing.

And, the way God often does, as I was contemplating this post, I heard this song this morning in the car. Again, I was crying...and I think this can apply to anyone who has a hurt that they don't quite understand. One day, we will understand...one day, we will be healed!!

"The Hurt & The Healer"

by: Mercy Me

Why?
The question that is never far away
The healing doesn’t come from the explained
Jesus please don’t let this go in vain
You’re all I have
All that remains

So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

Breathe
Sometimes I feel it’s all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through

So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

It’s the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all our scars are understood
When mercy takes its rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say “It’s over now”

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into your arms open wide
When The hurt and the healer collide

Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide

Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here 

 

Even though I am on the other side of the minefield, I want to pray for you if this is something you are struggling with. My prayer is that God will take your heart and breathe it back to life. If you want to share your story with me or would give me the honor of praying for you, please email me at cardigansandcrayons[at]gmail[dot]com.

Birth Stories - Sam

Before my memory is completely gone, I am going to share the birth stories of my children so they will have them.

We'll start with Sam. As I shared here, we had tried to have a baby with no luck so far. After the miscarriage, we took some time off from actively trying to have a baby to let ourselves grieve. Then, we tried another few rounds of Clomid with no luck. We tried combining Clomid with Glucophage, again with no luck. We tried adding progesterone suppositories (oh, what fun!). Nada. It had been about a year since the miscarriage and our doctor referred us to Nashville Fertility Clinic. That was so overwhelming. I don't remember a whole lot of details. Just a bunch of shots, sonograms, tests, and loads of information! Long story short, we did IUI and were pregnant on the first try! Score! Of course, we were terrified about another miscarriage, and I went in for WAY too many sonograms just to make sure everything was ok. Which, praise God, it was!!

I loved being pregnant! I loved feeling every kick and wiggle. I complained my fair share about my back hurting and not getting enough sleep and having to pee too often. But I was loving every second of this miracle inside me!

At that point, I was teaching school. I only had an assistant part-time, so that was fun trying to NOT have to use the restroom when she wasn't with me. But my students and my team teacher were very understanding. (They really had no choice, huh?!) Sam was due on December 30, 2004. I had put in my resignation to my principal and was only going to work up until the kids got out for Christmas break, which was Friday, December 17. The last day of school came and went.  I had worked extra hard to get everything ready for the new teacher that would take my place the next semester. I had 6 weeks worth of lesson plans for her and tried to get everything organized. I was tired! But, I would have almost two weeks to rest and get everything ready for the baby.

That Sunday, after church, I was going to take a nap. I wasn't resting real well in the bed, so I was sleeping in the recliner. Eddie had a church council meeting at the church, so he wasn't home.  About 4:00, I woke up from my nap with a strong urge to use the restroom. Like, an oops, I'm too late. I called the church just hoping someone would hear the phone and answer.  The other minister at the church left the meeting to answer the phone, which annoyed Eddie at the time! ha! But I'm so glad he did!

He got Eddie on the phone, and I told him, "Either I just peed my pants or my water just broke." Of course, neither of us knew which it was, so he put me on the phone with an experienced mom! She couldn't officially diagnose me either, so she told me to go to the hospital. YIKES! I had been to the hospital once before with Braxton Hicks contractions and was so embarrassed when they sent me home. So I was not feeling being turned away again. But I didn't know what else to do.

Eddie came home to pick me up and while he was on his way, I packed my bag. (I planned on having two weeks to get this done!) I was so nervous as I sat there and waited on him.

To be continued....